MAGNETO
2006-2007

How we felt when Magneto left us, well, you cannot fathom our grief. So young, less than two years old, so full of promise, he was gone too soon. Granted, he could get on your nerves, especially his stepbrother Wai’s nerves. Wai (Hawaiian for “water”) tolerated him well enough—up until Magneto decided to torment the hell out of him in the late afternoon. The fights got so bad at times we had to hold our ears. Few had the gall to chastise the boys. Daddy Fred, who spoiled them rotten, wouldn’t hear of inhibiting exuberant youth.

But when Fred got sick with cancer, a funny thing happened. Both boys became extraordinarily protective—especially Magneto, a mischievous scamp no one had ever accused of being the least mature. Two weeks or so before Fred died, in fact, the two hardly left his side. They lay there on his rented hospital bed, cuddled up at his feet, two guardian angels: Magneto, a slinky coal-black cat, and Wai, his longhaired, gray-and-white stepbrother.

Keep the kids together

Fred’s dying wish, he told us many times, was that his kids be kept together. Both had been rescued from shelters and—despite their occasional differences—would be heartbroken without each other, he said. To be perfectly candid, the request made things a bit dicey. Neither Fred’s daughter nor his caregiver could adopt the two orphans. And few friends were prepared to take in two cats. Wai, so sweet-tempered and adorable, was no problem; Magneto, arrogant, anit-social and often destructive, was quite another. Take the hole in the screen.

Unlike Wai, imbued with the wisdom of middle age, adolescent Magneto was strictly an indoor cat. Apt to drag in live critters, he couldn't be trusted outside. But just about the time Fred got sick, Magneto (sensing the worst, perhaps) decided to take a hike whether we liked it or not. He tore a hole in the screen door and disappeared into the foothills. The all-out search lasted into the wee hours, all of us frantic with worry. True to form Magneto strolled in when he damn well felt like it, around 3 a.m.

From then on he roamed at will and often. No one had the heart to stop him. Except when Fred got too sick from cancer to care about living anymore, both cats, as if attuned to mystic forces, ministered to their dear patient with licks and kisses and purrs. Just minutes before Fred died, however, Magneto and Wai scampered off to other parts of the house and stayed there. After three days or so, Magneto—alternately needy and aloof—walked through the hole in the screen and never came back.

He elected to vanish without a trace

Legend has it that cats often depart with a loved one. All we know is we searched for weeks, hung posters, called all over the neighborhood and waited, hoping someone would discover the phone number on the medallion dangling from Magneto’s collar. No one did. Aware he routinely wiggled out of his collar, we finally decided the kid had elected to vanish without a trace. Clearly morose and bewildered by the sudden loss of his entire family, Wai eventually relocated to the country home of one of Fred’s dearest friends.

We all share in Wai’s grief

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH'S POLYPS
July 21, 2007

War on Iran never materialized

Five polyps, famous for ending the Bush presidency and sweeping Dick Cheney into office for all of two hours, perished Saturday, July 21, 2007. They were less than a centimeter. Doctors discovered the polyps in President Bush's large intestine during a routine colonoscopy performed at the Camp David presidential retreat in Maryland after Bush temporarily ceded power to Vice President Cheney under the rarely invoked 25th Amendment. The fear that Cheney's brief reign might inspire a declaration of war on Iran never materialized. The VP, according to what his people told our people, spent "a normal Saturday" at his home on the Chesapeake Bay in St. Michaels, Maryland. "He read a book," said a source who wishes to remain anonymous. Details on which book were withheld.

More info on Bush's colon than on Lewis "Scooter" Libby

Details on the presidential polyps, on the other hand, consumed the networks ad nauseum for two days. Given far more information by the White House on Bush's colon than was ever available on Lewis "Scooter" Libby or Valerie Plame (we won't even go into Alberto Gonzales), reporters found innumerable dull ways to report everything from how often the disability clause of the Constitution has been invoked (three times; once by President Reagan and twice by Bush) to Bush's polyp history (discovered twice before he took office) to the amount of time (down to the second) of President Cheney's stint in office (7:16 a.m. EDT to 9:21 a.m. EDT). We learned that Bush called his wife twice (Laura was in Midland, Texas celebrating her mom's birthday), before and after the exam; the colonoscopy took 31 minutes and required five doctors (one for each polyp), and-once the anesthetic wore off-the 61-year-old President played with his dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley.

Look, no one here is disputing the importance of spreading the word about colon cancer, the fact that 112,340 new cases are expected this year, that anyone over 50 should have regular colonoscopy exams. Any excuse to broadcast that information is good. But when a somewhat routine medical examination assumes the weight of a Supreme Court decision reversing Roe vs. Wade, it might be nice to touch on the millions in this country who can't get a colonoscopy due to an inability to afford health insurance. And what about innocent Iraqi citizens who cannot go out for loaf of bread without tripping over a roadside bomb-much less find a doctor to perform a colonoscopy?

Bush's Brain is cause for concern

At first, Presidential Polyps seemed a refreshing change from discussions of Bush's Brain, although not all that much. Both the polyps and his brain are said to be "inconsequential." But while microscopic examination at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda deemed the Presidential Polyps benign, the disastrous state of Bush's Brain is cause for serious concern among Republicans and Democrats alike. Microscopic study in that area might indicate the need for a lobotomy. Besides. As nearly everyone knows, Bush's Brain doesn't even belong to him. It belongs to Karl Rove. So Bush isn't likely to miss it, although he's likely to miss the departing Rove.

The Presidential Polyps are survived by Bush's large intestine, innumerable state dinners and Osama bin Laden

PARIS HILTON
February 17, 1981 to June 8, 2007

She suffered from severe Prima-Donna Trauma

Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress best known for strolling red carpets and uttering "That's hot!", succumbed to what LA County Sheriff Lee Baca termed "increasing deterioration" on Friday, June 8, 2007. She was twenty-six. Remanded to the Correctional Treatment Center at Los Angeles County's Twin Towers jail facility to undergo medical and psychiatric evaluation, the fallen debutante suffered from severe prima-donna trauma after an angry Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer sentenced her to prison for the second time in a week. Clapped in handcuffs and bundled off sobbing in a squad car, Hilton wasn't even accorded the courtesy of text-messaging her way out of another court appearance.

In a back-and-forth scenario worthy of the Marx Brothers, the jet-setting socialite had been released from the slammer on June 7th after serving only three days of a 45-day sentence for violating probation in a drunk driving case. Sheriff Baca cited overcrowding in the county jail and "undisclosed" medical problems as reasons for placing the mentally fragile heiress under house arrest in her Hollywood Hills mansion. Within touch-tone of Spago, just steps from her pool, Hilton was fitted with an electronic monitoring anklet similar to one worn by an equally famous ex-con, Martha Stewart, and told to stay put for the next 40 days.

"More like a spa treatment than an actual sentence."

Hilton's house arrest provided a treasure trove of material for comedians like George Lopez, who termed her incarceration "more like a spa treatment than an actual sentence." Others expressed rage, including Al Sharpton who charged that Hilton's transfer from a 100 sq. ft. cell to her Rococo estate afforded the socialite favors unavailable to less famous inmates. Still others insisted Hilton's wealth and celebrity status had earned her a harsher sentence than most.

Best Scream

With an inheritance estimated at $30 million, the pouty-lipped socialite co-starred with off-and-on BFF Nicole Richie in The Simple Life, the Fox reality show in which the two perform grueling tasks such as washing a dish and dusting a table. A minor role in the 2005 horror film House of Wax earned Hilton a Teen Choice award for "Best Scream" and a Razzie nomination for "Worst Supporting Actress." In 2006, she went straight-to-DVD in National Lampoon's Pledge This! And her solo album, Paris, which one reviewer described as an "instant tanker," suffered sluggish sales after an impressive debut. Conversely, a 2005 Carl's Jr. TV commercial, in which Hilton served sex instead of burgers while soaping a car (and herself), got a jillion hits on the Internet.
High school dropout

Born February 17th, 1981 in New York, the actress/singer/model and, oh, yes, author (Confessions of an Heiress written with Merle Ginsberg, Simon & Schuster, 2004), grew up flitting between Beverly Hills, the Hamptons and a permanent suite at the Waldorf-Astoria in Manhattan. One of several starlets upon which rock-singer Pink allegedly based her hit song, Stupid Girls, Hilton opted to drop out of high school in her senior year, her flirtation with higher education ending with a GED. Modeling contracts with Eileen Ford and Donald Trump held more appeal.

Hilton's path to the big house began Sept. 7, 2006 when she failed a sobriety test after police saw her weaving down the street in her Mercedes on a late-night run to a burger joint. She pleaded "no contest" to reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months of probation, alcohol counseling and $1,500 in fines. Caught driving with a suspended license twice in 2007 landed Hilton in Sauer's courtroom. On June 3, after posing in a frilly black cocktail dress at the MTV Movie Awards, the heiress turned herself in at the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, where she later complained to her personal psychiatrist (the prison lacks a concierge) about bad food, noise and a thin mattress.

Hilton is survived by her dog Tinkerbell

Hilton is survived by her dog Tinkerbell (among other teacups), a fiercely protective stage mother, Kathy Richards, her real-estate tycoon daddy, Rick Hilton, a designing sister, Nicky, two younger brothers, Barron Hilton II and Conrad Hilton III, and a number of ex-boyfriends, including Rick Saloman, Hilton's costar in 1 Night in Paris, the homemade sex video that earned the platinum-haired heiress worldwide notoriety in 2004. Grieving ex-fiancés include Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos III, Greek shipping heirs Hilton was engaged to for a New York minute.

As the great-granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, founder of the Hilton hotel chain, Paris leaves behind other illustrious kin, including Elizabeth Taylor, whose short-lived marriage to Conrad's son Nicky in the 1950s made her an auntie. Sorta. Hilton's erstwhile great-grand-stepmom, Zsa Zsa Gabor-another notorious, blonde tabloid grabber-was Conrad's second wife, and their daughter, Francesca Hilton, is a bona fide great aunt to Paris and her siblings. Had Zsa Zsa's current husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, proved paternity over Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn, the imprisoned heiress might have laid claim to that media mess. Alas, Larry Birkhead's DNA deprived both von Anhalt and Princess Paris of legal access to the late actress's baby. Bummer.